October 22, 1913
I see her in my dreams.
In my dreams, she's standing on a beach (particularly odd as I have never been to a beach before in my lifetime). Her shoes have sunk into the wet sand, and sometimes I think she is sinking into it. She is dressed immodestly, some form-fitting black trousers and jacket, and her hair is wild from the wind. Her face is flushed and her eyes are dark from unnecessary makeup that is smudged by emotion.
She's not an entirely unsensual individual to look at, and although it is against my better judgment to desire her, especially considering her youth (she can only be 19 or 20, and in comparison to my age of 36, she is quite young), I am quite sure that I do.
She is crying, but I can't comfort her.
In this form, I am callus and cold, I know this from previous dreams (see pgs. 34, 43, 45-51), that I can be without emotion when I am the Doctor. Yet, with this woman, I want to comfort her, I want to hold her and take away her pain, but I am helpless. Completely cut off from my abilities to touch her, etc.
There is a terror that comes with this helplessness.
I am also unsure as to where I am. I have seen, in previous dreams, that I usually discover my location, and reference all other adventures based on that. In this dream, the location is completely irrelevant, because I am still in my magic box, yet I am talking to the girl, as well. Perhaps location confusion? Although heavily documented in dream anthologies, I have yet to see them in my dream form, usually everything is particularly linear, which is unusual, if the authors I have read are to be believed.
Malus Lupus Est.
The girl is special. I don't know how, I don't know why, but she is special. She has a strange sort of aura in my dreams, and she seems to hold onto me in a way that affects me, quite deeply.
The girl reaches out for me, but our skin does not meet, because I am still in the box. We are apart, and it holds a deep and unmovable sense of loss. I ache, physically, even now, from the affect of the loss in my dream. It is as though the two hearts I have in the dream world have both broken.
In my dreams, she is walking away from me. I'm calling out to her to come back, but she keeps walking. Upon further introspection, perhaps it is I who am walking, words of adoration---nay, of love upon my lips, but I can't get them out, because she is too far away. She fades from my vision, and I can feel my eyes burn. This is usually when I wake, with tears streaming down my face.
The girl is important to the Doctor, but I'm still unsure as to how. They are not lovers, but they appear to be more than that. What, exactly, I can not say. Complications seem to muddle most of what they do. It is frustrating. Had I the chance, in the dream, I would always start over, say things before the dream begins, but I never do, I always wait until she is walking, or I am walking away.
And I ache for the girl, who can not be comforted by me in any way.
Her name is Rose.
And I wish I could remember why she is so important.
Muse: The Doctor (Ten) / Smith
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 624
All IC responses will be replied by John Smith