Please transmit to all available locations within the known stretch of this signal, and all known intelligent languages.
This is the Doctor. And...I am sending a distress signal. This is a signal of high distress. I'm very, very distressed, you see.
This is bad. Very bad. I've reached my wit's end, and I'm fairly certain that my companion, Martha Jones; say 'hi', Martha---
---yes, well, we can't quite sort this out. It's disaster. Simply disaster. The universe is in complete peril and we're without any idea what to do. We need help. Is anyone out there?
We're going to transmit the problem, and if you know the solution, then please reply.
Right, are you listening? Very important.
Holds notes together. Nine letters. It's across on this, here. Eighth letter is 'e'.
No, it isn't, it's 'i'.
Martha, this is my distress signal, and I think I know what 'one does with tongue' is for 85 down.
It's 'lick', not..that. I didn't know you were so obscene.
I'm not obscene! Shhh! Right! Next question. Presses words. Eight letters. Last letter is 's', which is completely and utterly unhelpful. And we also have down with four letters, begins with 'f', and it says you eat with it, but because of the brevity of letters and the first letter, I'm only stuck with foul words, which I can't imagine would be in a publication like this.
I told you that you had a filthy mind.
I do not!
You know, Doctor, this is probably the lamest distress signal anyone's ever heard.
No, it's not. Now, hush! This message doesn't last very---
Muse: The Doctor (Ten)
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 275