To whom it may concern:
As you are quite aware, the Christmas season is rapidly approaching. I know that this is an especially busy time for you, so it is my wish to simply help out with your whole "naughty or nice" problem, and offer you some support in regards to who should get what presents among the people whom I have encountered this last year.
As my opinion is the most important, you will, of course, understand and take into account what I'm saying, right?
Here's the list. I went in alphabetical order, hope that helps.
Aislinn – Definitely nice. Girl's got a lot on her plate, and, despite that little incident with the ice cream and wanting to kill Alexa Bond and, you know, such, she's been doing the best possible. Has a good deal to hold up, I'd say. Give the girl something nice, she deserves it. A new apartment, perhaps? Something overlooking some nature spot. Need to get her somewhere away from all that, ahem, trouble that she lives with. Nice.
Alexa Bond - Despite the poor taste in poetry, I haven't managed to find a bit about the poor girl that's naughty at all. Now, I've heard rumors about some naughtiness, and she's managed to make a good few of my friends rather upset...Oh, it's a bit of a toss up, really. Under my Christmas list, I'd make her naughty for all the hassle I've endured through her, but I'm aware of some other issues that you really should address before taking her into account. As for a gift, give her a bit of a vacation, would you? Somewhere nice, I think. Get her mind away from the upsettedness. Middling.
Athos - Oh, this one's far too simple. Man's honorable to the core, and, despite the good bit of chaos he causes (though, really, Mr. Claus, you must admit a good bit of chaos never really hurt anyone), he does it all for the good around him. Now, I'm not a fan of the greater good, prefer just the regular good myself, but he's on the road to the right direction. Give the man a good few bottles of wine, make sure they're a decent year. Nice.
Colin Creevy - What can I say about this boy? Not a negative thing comes to mind. He's spunky and smart, got a good sense of humor, and he studies hard. As a Pyrodian student myself (in his school I think that's the equivalent of a Slytherin), I'm a bit off-put by some of his mannerisms, but, once again, it's all done in attempts to do right by the universe. Get him a new camera. Something digital, I think. He'll probably need a computer to process it on, as well. Nice
Gabriel – I'm dead terrified of the man. He's got a bit of a streak in him against humans, but he seems to be all for the good, you know? Can't quite knock him for trying. And I usually turn to my trusty TARDIS (whom, might I add, deserves a new rotator cuplink and seven refiring frotorotator coils for being so very nice this year) for advice, and it's my beloved machine's decision that Gabriel is quite a good chap. That's saying a bit, considering how concerned she was at first of him. Get him a computer help book. Nice.
Glaucon – He's a good fellow. Rather confused. A bit muddled. Makes Illyria happy, though, and that, my rotund friend, is quite the feat, let me tell you. I think, for the sake of argument, let's just call him nice and get him a decent set of contact lenses and a few months with a rather sophisticated psychologist, shall we? Nice.
Grace Halloway – Oooooh, Grace. She's been quite nice, quite nice. Following her childhood dream, I do believe. Stopping death. Well, she's trying to stop death. Saving lives in the process. I admire that in her. She won't give up. Never gives up. I think you should give her several seats at the next few operas. Madame Butterfly. I'd be willing to take her m'self. Well, one of my selves. Nice.
Illyria – Two words: World Destruction. Wonderful woman, creative, fantastic. Tried to save a few lives. Then again, she's completely terrifying. I don't think you'd want to get anywhere near her with a present, she might try and kill you. I really, really wish I was joking. So, uh, don't bother with a gift for her. Just, uh, leave her alone? Naughty.
Jack Harkness – I think if I even remotely tried to call this man "nice", he'd...do something, uh, rather inappropriate. So, despite the good deeds he's done and all he's endured, let's call him "naughty" for the sake of his reputation, shall we? You should still get him a new coat and a better job. Definitely a better job. Something involving time travel, I think. Do you do memory restoration? That would be the perfect gift. Naughty.
Jeanne Antoinette Poisson (aka Reinette) – Oooooh, Reinette's another one whom I think would despise it if I put a label on her as simplistic as "naughty" or "nice". As it is, for a woman of her ambition and grace, you can only give her the most high of praises. She's brilliant and wise and quite frankly, if you haven't heard of her, Mr. Claus, I'd be quite surprised. Madame de Pompadour! Can't get much better than that! You should, most definitely, get her some Corforporanian root in tea form, should fix the blockages in her synapses caused by the issues with the Clockwork Men. And some, you know, something nice. Pretty. I'm not very good with pretty things. You pick it out, or get the Mrs. to. Nice
Kitt – For a car with a personality, there isn't one much finer than our man Kitt. Got a bit of a rebellious streak, though I'm sure that'll fade with some age in him. Drives quite well, actually. Quite a decent chap. Crime fighter, too, unless I'm quite mistaken. Isn't a reason in the world you shouldn't get the fellow a very nice gift. I'm thinking....hmm, what would a car with a personality want? Ooooh, find him a nice female Porsche with a personality, would you? Not that blue one by Pixar, though. She was a bit too down-home for a wild heart like Kitt. Nice.
Kitty Pryde – She seems a bit of a troublemaker, wouldn't you say, Mr. Claus? As it is, I know for a fact that Miss Pryde has taken time out of her busy schedule to save the world on multiple occasions. Can't quite beat that, now can you? Well, of course, there is someone like me who has saved the entire universe, but we can't go comparing ourselves, can we? Anyway, for a gift, the lady deserves a warm set of mittens (Kittens with their mittens, haha!) and a fluffy hat. Nice.
Lord Byron – Ahem. 1) Made Rose cry. 2) Made Aislinn cry. 3) Is bloody Lord Byron! How much more naughty can you get?! Not only has he all but ripped my companion away from me, he's gone off and caused problem after problem! Not that I don't think he's a decent chap, but, really, now. You should probably gift him with some form of a chastity belt. Or, perhaps, you know, do a two-for-one deal and gift him with a certain Captain Jack Harkness. Naughty
Laura Madley – I must admit to not knowing the lady particularly well, but from what I've seen around this Real-World-esque house we all live in, she's quite the troublemaker. Honestly! Flirtatious to the core. I think if I called her "nice", she---like Jack---would be horribly insulted. If you decide to go the non-coal route, get her something like a tennis set. Give her a hobby that doesn't involve trouble, yeah? Naughty.
Lynda – Oh, sweet Lynda. The girl deserves a medal for bravery and sweetness all rolled into one. Not that I think that's an adequate gift, however. Lynda's given her all (quite literally, in fact) to save the world, and did so with a bright smile on her face. The girl is amazing, and quite sweet. Very sweet. You should give her both a get out of Extermination Free card, and, oooooh, I think a gift card to a candy shop, yeah? Sweet things for sweet people. Nice
Maggie – Here's the opposite of Lynda in a box. She's sweet like the girl, but has a disastrously naughty streak that seems to be her undoing. Don't get me wrong, I think she's a nice girl, but with that devious smile? She's positively up to something. I wouldn't be surprised if she's really some menacing alien sent down to seduce all of mankind and take over major cities. I've no proof, you know, but there's always the possibility. You should be extra careful. Naughty
Mickey Smith – Ah, yes, Mickey the Idiot. Saving the universe one Cyberleader at a time. Despite his quite obvious downfalls---need I remind you about the Genesis Ark incident?---Mickey's a good fellow, and does try so hard. You shouldn't fault him for his mistakes, just praise him for his triumphs. Saved an entire planet from the overrun of Cybermen, didn't he? That's an amazing feat for one as intellectually challenged as our boy Mickey. I would say, as a gift, you should get him one of those wii things, the new Nintendo system? I think he'd like that a good deal, yes. Nice
Mike – Now this is a rather wonderful fellow. Not only a great supporter of my race, he's also quite adept to time travel, even flies his own TARDIS (named Fred, oddly enough). In my time with him, I have yet to see a disastrously naughty problem, and I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. That being said, I have a feeling that a vacation for him and his partner would probably be the best. Somewhere nice, where they can just get away together. I'm no romantic, but that would be a fantastic gift, yeah? Nice.
My Ninth Self – Ooooh, now this is an intelligent fellow. Brilliant beyond measure with a good sense of humor to boot. Saved the universe, last time I checked, on more than one occasion, and he keeps a brilliant little TARDIS that's possibly the finest ever created. Now, I'm not just praising him so lavishly because he's me, but because he genuinely deserves the praises. And, of course, he is me. You should gift the fellow with...hmmm...a few days off, I think. Man's not a god, can't work every day, including Sundays. Nice
Oscar Wilde – This chap here's got a few things going for him and a few things against. Firstly, in his favor, he's Oscar Wilde, only one of the finest playwrights who ever lived. He's hilarious, bright and charming. That's a good deal of good. Then again, he also keeps rather close contact with a certain aforementioned Lord Byron, whom, if you remember, sits rather firmly on my "naughty" list. I'm not usually one to settle with grouping people together, but the situation with Lord Byron has become a bit of a big one. As it is, please gift Mr. Wilde with one of those pink designer coats I saw in a shop near the fair, it's quite nice, and I think it would look right smashing on him. Middling
Rose Tyler (ibringlife) – Oh, despite what I want to say about our darling Rose, about every problem (also with the aforementioned Lord Byron), or mischevious issue she's gotten into, the girl deserves to be considered nice. Now, I don't just say this due to emotional influences about Miss Tyler, but also because she's quite a bright and sweet girl, and makes my life a bit of a joy every day. Well, not every day, but, you know, most days. She does try, at the very least. Get her something pretty, would you? A necklace, or perhaps a bracelet? Something shiny and pretty? Again, ask the Mrs. for advice, I'm not terribly good with jewelry. Whatever you do, don't get her a kitten, though. Cause, uh, I don't know. Someone else might be getting her one of those. Nice
Rose Tyler (earth_defender - This poor lady's dealt with more than enough in her short time apart from me, and I think she's done enough good to keep in your good graces, don't you agree, Mr. Claus? I don't often risk ripping a hole in the universe for people, but I do it to see her, isn't that enough proof as to her niceness? I think it is. Gift her with an adventure. Excitement, world-changing fun. Something to add some spice to the life she sees as so terribly dull, yes? She deserves it. Nice
Samael – It's practically impossible to say anything non-naughty about Sam. Firstly, he turned me into a bloody woman! Secondly, there was the incident with turning people into youths, or the mistletoe or dumping sewage on rather immature losers (despite how amusing that was), or burning down all of London in a blue fire or...there's just so much I could list, and I fear I haven't the paper or the patience to list them all. Just trust me on this one. The man gets coal. A lot of coal. Not enough coal that he would try to do something, I don’t know, sneaky with it---and you know, if he ever read this letter, that would be the first thing he would start to do---but enough to show him just how naughty he was! Naughty
Wesley Wyndam Price – My initial thoughts towards Mr. Price was that he should, probably, be considered nice. After all, man's going to be a father soon, isn't he? Got a lot on his plate, and he manages to keep his family happy and, throughout it all, still save the world a few times over. But, then again, there was the incident with me finding Illyria (despite her naughtiness, the woman does mean a great deal to me) all broken and upset on the floor of the Zero Room. While I haven't the proof, I'm certain it had something to do with Mr. Price. Let's stick with a decision of "middling", shall we? For a gift, please get him some gift certificates to a barber shop. Not a big fan of the five-o'clock shadow, especially when it lasts all day. Middling
Winifred Burkle – I doubt it would be possible to say very much "naughty" about Fred here. Despite our, uh, mischievousness at some parties, Fred has always had a good heart and moved towards doing what was right. She's going to be a Mum, did you know? It's so fantastic! Bet they'll all be obsessed with books and history and such like their mother and fathers. So wonderful. Always get excited over those types of things. Oh, anyway, right! She's very nice, deserves....hmmm...There's a rare edition of Pearls of the Cameberlian Cluster that I think she'd find quite interesting, and I believe it comes with an actual string pearl necklace. Should warn her that they start to sing when one is happy, though. She might be surprised, otherwise. Nice
That's the list, in the short of it. Oooooh, and as for me? Well, let's just say I've been very, very nice this year. Saved the universe a good couple of times, always managed to treat the TARDIS and my companions in good fashion and, oh yeah, saved the universe a good couple of times. I'm not going to ask much, just a token, really. A trifle. I would like a set of warm socks and a repair kit for my coat. Thing's got a hole in the elbow and it's been bothering me.
Muse: The Doctor (Ten)
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 2,676