To Picking Up Women
1. Always be ridiculously mysterious.
--Never reveal anything about your past that isn't immediately significant including (but not limited to):
----The name of your home planet
----Your actual age
----Whether or not evil cults are out to get you
----How many planets you have destroyed
----How many planets you are wanted on
----Whether or not you really have a mole between your shoulderblades
--If your past is not mysterious enough, you must make it look as mysterious as possible. When asked about your past, don't lie. Avoid in the most dramatic ways possible. Such as:
----Extremely sad looks
--If companion/female associate continues to pressure, say something dramatic that has nothing to do with the situation at all. Example:
----The leaves on the trees of Gallifrey
----Legend of the Tempered Schism
----Stuff About Your Dog
2. Act disinterested
--Women like a challenge. So, when in doubt, be as disinterested in every sexual situation as you possibly can. Some analyzers believe this can frustrate a woman into disinterest herself, but from personal experience, I can tell you that it becomes her goal to make sure she is more interesting to you than the universe exploding. Just remember that the universe exploding actually is a little more important than picking up aforementioned woman, so schedule accordingly.
3. Learn the finer points of technobabble.
--Women love intelligent men, but no matter how intelligent you are you may not know everything. That's when you make it up and make it sound good. Suggestions:
----Technical terms for "magic door"
----Reversing the polarity of the neutron flow
4. Practice scenario-appropriate "pick up lines".
----You have cocoa, I'll make hot chocolate!
----Companions can always wear
----We're imprisoned again? Lounge on me.
----It's always safer to hold hands when racing across the street.
----I'm not missing Heathrow on purpose! But while we're here, let's look around…
----I'll fish in this empty lake; you sulk nearby in a bikini.
----I had no idea that doing that would mean we're married!
----How about a goodbye
----You've got a little Time Vortex in your mouth, let me fix that for you.
----There's an old tradition, you know…
5. Be a fantastic kisser.
----Applicable: Walls, trees, fireplaces, etc.
--Make her kiss you.
----That way if your companion doesn't like it you can claim you didn't kiss back.
--And, when in doubt, practice on unsuspecting medical students. Just make sure to remind them that it means "nothing, absolutely nothing."
6. Learn your hugging styles.
Remember! There is ONLY mid-danger kissing! All other kissing is goodbye kissing!
7. DON’T EAT PEARS.
--I hate pears.
8. Occasionally say off-the-wall nonsequitors.
--They make you interesting.
1. Look fantastic in a suit.
2. Look fantastic in leather.
3. Look fantastic in costumewear.
4. Look fantastic in gimmicky vests.
5. Look fantastic in Technicolor.
6. Look fantastic in sportswear.
7. Look fantastic in scarves.
8. Look fantastic in velvet.
9. Look fantastic in fur.
10. Look fantastic in plaid.
ALSO IMPORTANT TO APPEARANCE:
Accessorizing is key
--Possible accessories I have found work well:
----Unexplained and possibly illegitimate dependants (such as daughters and granddaughters)
Hair should be as big as possible and ginger whenever possible
--I don't think an explanation is necessary for this one. It's pretty self-explanatory.
Practice your brooding face!
--It should be as puppy-dog and sad as possible.
----Messing this up could mess up the entire mysterious bit from before.
Know when to fit in with the local sartorial style.
--And when it's really just best to change your jumper.
1. Have a tuxedo.
2. Make sure it's cursed.
3. Get it damaged to the point of destruction over the course of your time wearing it then mysteriously get it repaired while no one is looking.
When in doubt, be as much like the Doctor as you can.
After all, it works fairly well for me.
Muse: The Doctor (Ten)
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 665