Is anyone there?
Sarah? Sorry, uh, is this the Smith residence?
Last time I checked?
And one would think you wouldn't forget my voice that quickly, Doctor.
Are you there?
Sorry! Sorry! Yes!
How are you?
Doubly fine! That's...well, that's fine!
You sound a little odd.
I'm good! Great! Brilliant, in fact.
Of course you're brilliant. You're always brilliant. Even when you're having a bad day you'll claim you're brilliant.
Exactly! I mean, no! I'm having a great day!
If you say so, Doctor.
I do! In fact, I can sing it! Hang on! [sings] It's a beautiful day in the TARDIS-hood, a beautiful day for a Doctor...
So is this a social call or did you need a hand saving the universe again?
I can't just call you?
You rarely do. In fact, never.
Oh, that can't be true. I mean, I called you...well, there was...you know. That time.
What time? I don't remember a time. Unless we go back into the depths of history when I was travelling with you.
And even then, I don't think you called me. Mostly I hung around UNIT waiting for the excitement to start.
It does! It always starts! [hic] Sorry. Rudeness, comes with the regeneration.
Always. *pause* BOO! Are the hiccups gone now?
And you were just as obnoxious back in the day. You were just more polite about it...sometimes.
[with heavy nostalgia] remember the old days, Sarah? All that running? All the fun? I miss the old days.
I do too. But we can't go back. Well, you could, but it wouldn't be the same.
Why can't we? You could hop a ride. We can bring that son of---Where did you get a son? You never told me!
From the bane. It's a long story.
And it still wouldn't be the same. No velvet.
I have a velvet suit. I could put it on! Wait, let me find it!
You don't need to change your outfit on my account. The suit suits this body.
Doctor? Tell me you're not changing your clothes.
[muffled] Hold on, straightening the tie!
[big sigh] Doctor, don't ever change. Except your body. You can change that. Not that there's anything wrong with your current one.
[sings] You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna daaaaaate me...
Especially now that I'm in velvet.
Doctor, really! I do not want to date you. In velvet or out of it. [muttered] A quick shag, maybe.
I don't do quick shags, Sarah. They're hardly worth it.
[muttered] I did not say that aloud.
Slow shags then.
And I wasn't serious. [softly] Some things are best left to the imagination.
Slow shags. Slooooooooooooooooow shags. Is that all you lot think about? Sex? I mean, really. There's so much more out there. So many beautiful things!
I know that. You're the one who brought up dating.
But a date with you would probably involve an alien invasion just as we were sitting down to dinner.
But isn't that fun?
Yes, but it's hardly worth bothering with the fiction of a "date" now, is it? Best to get right on to the alien menace part.
It's so much more interesting.
But dating means dressing up!
You never dress up. You always wear the exact same thing.
I have a tuxedo!
And you never seemed that impressed when I got gussied up in those old-fashioned gowns.
That's because you weren't being Sarah.
So Sarah is the girl who doesn't get dressed up. *sadly* I thought I was always Sarah. The many faces of Sarah Jane.
That's not what I meant.
So what? You get to wear a tuxedo and what would I wear? Andy Pandy dungarees?
You looked adorable in those!
I'd probably get thrown out of the restaurant. Unless we went to a chip shop.
Besides, they don't fit any more.
Really? Are you...too tall?
No just a little rounder.
All over? See you wouldn't notice if I were wearing sackcloth and ashes.
Why would you wear sackcloth and ashes? Are you going to the 4th century?
Not in the near future. Or the near or distant past.
I'm just saying you're...unobservant.
About certain things.
Unobservant. Unobservant??? Me???
I'm completely observant!
You focus on certain details to the exclusion of everything else.
I notice Morcusia's new tattoo which meant he'd joined the rebellion and saved the king's life! How about that, eh?
Oh, I grant that the things you notice are important in the grand scheme of things, but you don't normally notice the things that a woman likes to have noticed.
Like new hairstyles.
Did you know that in your era you can actually type into your planet's wikipedia "grand scheme of things" and get a proper page? Full of words! Little wonder wikipedia takes over in 2034.
I thought that was google. Or googlepedia.
And wikipedia is full of words. Not always the correct words, but it is full of words.
Doctor? Do you need rescuing from something?
Sorry, dropped the phone.
And how do you know about googlepedia???
Some things are just easy to predict. Even for mere humans.
And you were always brilliant! [gleefully] Brilliant Sarah.
Yes, I am. And don't you forget it.
I never will. [pause] So, travelling! Yes?
No. Luke has school and someone has to keep an eye on the Earth when you're not here.
I don't trust those blokes at Torchwood to do it.
No. [sigh] Everyone says that nowadays.
I'm sure they're very good at what they do. They just have a habit of tripping over themselves and each other.
I meant about not coming with me.
I'm sorry. You told me to get a life and now you're whining because I've got one.
I told you to be happy.
I am happy. I just have responsibilities here.
As much as I'd like to go with you.
Maybe during Luke's holidays?
Responsibilities. Pssh. [hic] I hate responsibilities.
Still with the hic-- you haven't been drinking, Doctor? Should you be flying the TARDIS in that state?
That's a relief.
I wouldn't want you to be in a TARDIS crash or pulled over for driving a TARDIS whilst intoxicated.
And I can't help it, there's this new milkshake recipe with banana liquor...
something some bloke gave me on Taerie 3...
Sounds good. You'll have to give me the recipe.
But you shouldn't be drinking alone.
I called you!
And, well, there's no one else here.
But...what about Donna? Or Rose? Or whatever other companions you had in the meanwhile.
I liked Martha!
[nostalgically] Ah, Martha...Martha had a magnificent....
...views of the world.
I'm sure she did.
You know what?
[sound of liquid being poured[
I like you.
I like you too, Doctor. The alcohol not withstanding.
Finally. Someone who does.
I never said I didn't. And you have lots of friends. Didn't you notice that they all came running when the Daleks attacked?
And then they all left.
So how is that different from you leaving us. People's lives change. They move on. You do what you do best, which is find another pet human to play with.
You're not my pets. Stop it, you sound like the Master.
But you're so cute when you're defensive.
Well, I am rather decent-looking, I think
Are you drinking, Sarah?
A little scotch after dinner never hurt anyone. And it's not as though I'm driving anywhere tonight.
Scotch? Being around all those UNIT blokes gave you a taste for it?
It's better than those sweet drinks with frilly umbrellas. I prefer something with a bit of a bite.
And what have you been drinking?
That milkshake concoction and pineapple juice. I think it tastes better with orange juice, or so I'm told, but I found something swimming in the bottle I have in the kitchen.
Was it doing the backstroke or the crawl? [giggle] Sorry, that was uncalled for.
I'm not sure. I was a little preoccupied with searching for juice at the time.
So I have been drinking. This. And wanted. To call you.
I haven't in a good long while? I told you!
So! I did! And here I am! Calling---don't you want me to call?
I like it when you call. I just worry about ulterior motives. And alien invasions. They usually show up the same time you do.
I have no ulterior motives! I just have a desire! To call! Besides, free nights and weekends on Martha's phone.
So you're going through a list of former companions?
Or just trying to use up your minutes.
You're actually the first person I called. After the pizza shop.
Do you get pizza deliveries in the TARDIS now? And how many people are you planning to call after?
Well, I'm parked at number 76 Totter's lane, so they know to knock on the blue door.
I'd come over and steal some pizza, but I'm in no fit state to drive.
How much have you had?
Enough to be wary about driving. Not enough to make getting up the stairs difficult.
But I must say, you make more sense when I'm drunk.
Are you implying I make no sense sober?
I'm sure you make sense when you're sober, but you make more sense when I'm not sober.
Yes, but sobriety is really subjective, isn't it?
But every time I've talked to you whilst I was drunk you have made more sense than when I was sober.
Sarah. Is it snowing where you are?
*sound of footsteps and rustle of curtain* Um, yeah. Isn't it still summer?
Huh. Well, could be some minor excitation left over from the planetary movement. But...to this degree? [oof! And sounds of falling]
Doctor, are you alright? [pause] I thought you said there wasn't an alien threat involved. But it looks like there's six inches of snow out there. We never get six inches of snow here.
It's rather cold, too. I don't...know. Should really bring the TARDIS up and take a look, but she's probably going to be a little tipsy, too.
Why would the TARDIS be tipsy? Have you been pouring alcohol in her rotor? Maybe it's just global warming.
No, the TARDIS and I are connected. I'm fairly far gone, so she's there as well. S'why I never drink and drive.
Ah. So neither of us is quite fit to drive, and we have a possible alien invasion on our hands. Are we depending on Torchwood to save the day?
The Earth might just be doomed.
We can't have that.
I'm sure we can trust them. They've pulled success out of their collective arses enough times.
Well, yeah. And they did help save the world. Mostly with my guidance, but still.
Well, we've also got Mr Smith upstairs. And I suppose I could wake Luke if I have to. I'd rather not. He's a growing boy.
And I don't trust that Mr. Smith. Too many bugs.
Bugs? I don't trust him because he used to be evil.
Evil? And you keep him in the house?
Well, he isn't evil anymore. I reprogrammed him.
Still. Can't trust him. Can't trust Torchwood, and we certainly can't trust ourselves. Oh, look! The pizza's here!
I'm jealous. I'm going into the kitchen to see if there's any leftover Indian.
The world is in peril and we're eating dinner.
We have to keep our strength up.
Probably for the best. Anything good on the television?
Anything I should watch in the next few months, oh Lord of Time.
You will be stunned and amazed by the next Britian's Got Talent, let me tell you. Oooooh, Heroes is on. Love that invisible bloke.
This week's episode or one from four years in the future?
Not sure. The picture keeps going out.
You might have to have a talk with the TARDIS about the antenna.
Tell me a story while we eat.
Once upon a time...
Or is that too cliched?
[ding] Ah, my chicken marsala is done. Just a moment.
[sounds of clattering]
Okay, where was I?
Sorry, um, sorry, dropped the phone…
You were at...once upon a time.
Once a journalist went undercover and met an alien who she thought was evil but he turned out to be good and they ended up defeating another alien and having amazing adventures together the end.
Your turn for a story, so I can eat.
Did you drop the mobile again?
Once upon a time there was a TARDIS! And a Doctor! And Sarah was there and---
NO! I WAS THINKING!
That was me.
I was the Sarah!
Right! Exactly! And you were brilliant.
Thank you, kind sir.
We were brilliant together.
I think I'm going to go to fall down and sleep.
But then who will I talk to?
And didn't you once tell me that sleep was for tortoises?
[totally serious in that way you know he's drunk as all get out] I'll keep the phone by my ear. You can talk to me in my dreams.
[Totally serious in the way you know she's had a few too many and is inclined to wind the Doctor up even more than usual] I can whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
[dozing off] Brilliant.
[slurred] The square root of zero. What you get when you multiply zero times any number. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing/you gotta have something if you want to dance with me.
Do you want me to serenade you? [giggles in that way she only giggles when she's had to much to drink and might be a little hyper] Are you really Doctor Wu?/Or are you just a shadow of the man that I once knew.... [is now giggling so hard she can't speak]
Doctor? [opening and closing of fridge door, followed by various bangs and clangs and muttered apologies to inanimate objects]
*flopping sound* Where was I? Ah yes. *sings* Are you crazy, are you high or just an ordinary guy? Have you done all you can do? Are you with me, Doctor? Are you with me Doctor Wu?
[laughs] Brilliant, Sarah.
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.
Or longer actually.
Maybe I should go south. At least I'd see different stars.
When you see the Southern Cross for the first time/You understand now why you came this way
We should go to a karaoke bar sometime Doctor.
Or, maybe...[fades off] Mmmm. I never realised this sofa was so comfortable.
[Clatter of phone falling to the floor]
[From far away] Nigh' Doc
[happy sigh] Good night, Sarah Jane.
Muse: The Doctor (Ten)
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 2,961
Written with the supersweet sarahs_attic!