"Explain this to me again."
"Do I have to?"
It was probably not physically possible for Donna Noble to be more furious at the Doctor. She was tired, her clothes were torn up, and to top it all off? She was covered in some strange pollen that made her skin flushed and itchy. And if she looked nearly as bad as the red-splotched Doctor looking down at the console, she was never going to go outside again.
"The pollen is from a Derirte plant," he said, slowly and just a hint more patronizing. "Reacts differently with each body chemistry that comes in contact with it. For the Draconians it exfoliates their skin, for the Tereleptils it causes boils…for humans, however, it can prove to be fatal if---"
"Just cut to the chase, Space Man."
The Doctor scratched his head, sending more tiny spores from his gravity-defying hair. He sneezed and sighed.
"If you don't have sexual intercourse in the next hour, you will die."
"Yes, and that's the fourth time you've said that, Donna."
"You can't cure a pollen reaction with sex! That's like something out of Star Trek…or maybe Sperm Trek or something…"
The Doctor shook his head. "No, it's the intensity of the orgasmic rush. The body's natural reaction to the end of the plateau phase of your sexual cycle actually combats the pollen's poisonous effect. I don't know why we're still arguing about this."
"So I have to have sex?"
"Pretty much, yep."
Donna crossed her arms and stared the skinny Time Lord down. "Well, what about you, then? Don't you gotta run 'round for an inter-space shag or something?"
The Doctor looked up at her and blinked. "I actually intend on creating the endorphin reaction mentally, save my body the strain of the actual act."
"So you're gonna think yourself up an orgasm?"
"That's the plan."
"You can't do that for me?" Donna asked, itching her arm. "You know, mind-meld or whatever it is you do, sort me out?"
"No, Donna, plateau conclusion in a Time Lord is significantly different than in a human." He flipped a few switches on the console and sighed again. "You should get a shower, get most of that pollen off. I'll be back there in a bit to help you out."
Donna's eyes went wide and she put her hands to her hips. "Help me out? Help me out? What part of 'no mating' didn't you understand?"
"I'm not having sex with you, Casanova! Don't care what your other companions fancy, I like my men to not be little big-eyed ferrets! If the only way I'm going to survive this pollen is to have sex with you, I'll---" She gestured madly at him.
He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. Donna had to admit, even with the ridiculous blotching on his skin, he wasn't terrible to look at. But the thought of actually having sex with him made her want to gag. He was the Doctor and that was…well, it was gross!
"I'll die instead. Sorry, Space Man. I know you need somebody and I've had a blast but…I just can't have sex with you."
The Doctor blinked and looked vaguely insulted. "You'd rather die than have sex with me?"
"Yes." Donna said the word with a finality.
"Well, it's a very good thing that I've already set the course for New New Earth, where they have injectable endorphin supplements. I was planning on helping you with that cut on your arm…"
Donna looked down at the bleeding cut, then back up at the Doctor. "So you weren't going to come back there for---"
"Certainly not!" The Doctor made a face. "Donna…you're a wonderful companion. Mean the world to me, really. But I couldn't…"
"Yeah, I know, it would be---"
"Weird." They said in unison. They laughed and, really, it wasn't at all awkward. It should've been, Donna thought, but it wasn't in the slightest. It was just…really funny.
She leaned against the console and snorted. "And that's coming from two people covered in sex-inducing pollen."
"At least we were around each other," the Doctor observed, pulling a few levers.
"Yeah. If you were Daniel Craig, though, you'd already be naked and cured."
"Yes, that's exactly the image I didn't need to be burned in the back of my eyes forever."
"He's just got those chiseled abs and that tight little---"
"There's never enough love for the skinny men out there, is there?"
"Eat a sandwich, Space Man. Then we'll talk."
Muse: The Doctor (Ten)
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 764
Author's Note: Based on the rush of extremely bad "Sex-Pollen" Doctor/Donna fics out there on Teaspoon. I'm all for an impossible pairing like D/D (and it ain't like 10ant and t8 don't have a ton of chemistry), but honestly, could you get more cliché??