We decided to write the same series of events from our own Doctor's point of view. This is Ten's version.
Did I say it isn't my fault? Cause it really, really isn't my fault. You know me, Yates. You know the way I was, right? Course you do! You know I wouldn't lie about this!
This is how it started. I was out with my other self, the bloke in the other room with the ears and leather jacket? Right, so it's Otherstide. Well, it's Otherstide somewhere so we decided to go out for a few drinks. There's the pub, he says, so we go there.
Now, I can't rightly remember what it was like being him, but he's in such a dark, depressed state, I can't imagine it's very nice. I tried my best to be nice, start conversation.
"So!" I say. "Have you read the paper? American politics nowadays."
It's a conversational starter. He says nothing, of course, and just drinks whatever it was he was drinking.
I try again. "Still. Not as bad as it is in 3452."
Still nothing. He was either ignoring me or lost in his own thoughts. Ignoring, most likely. I'm not one for, you know, invading personal space or thoughts or going on and on and on and on and on while someone's trying to think, but we were trying to spend time together, so I had to create some conversation.
After a little awkward silence, I tried again. "You ever been to New New New America?"
Clearly, this night was going to be fun. Which, it suddenly was. I looked behind us and saw a tall, clearly inhuman creature scurrying past the pub, crummily disguised in a trenchcoat and floppy hat. I put down my spoon and tapped Ears on the shoulder to get his attention. He saw it too and we both headed towards the door to figure out what could possibly be there.
'Course, he can't let me go out first, has to shove me out of the way. Being the surly, disagreeable person he can be. Have you been talking to him? Isn't he ridiculously disagreeable? What? Oh, yeah, I'll go on.
So he shoves me and I have to walk behind him as he stalks outside. Have you noticed how he stalks when he walks? It's not even a walk! It's this glomp glomp stalk what? Oh, okay!
So we get out to the street in time to see the creature darting further down. Now, being the witty gentleman that I am, I decided to toss in a joke.
"Always trenchcoats. What is it with trenchcoats and aliens?" If you'll note, I wear a coat like that, too. So, irony. It's brilliant.
Course, that gets Ears to mumble something about never planning on regenerating. He thinks I didn't hear it but I did! Just because I haven't got ears like a mule (and he's twice as stubborn!) doesn't mean I can't hear him!
He says, "Stop talking about alien fashion and just run!"
Which, I have to admit, is pretty much the right thing to do. So we run---I'm significantly faster, longer legs and all that---and the alien eventually leads us to this big house. Rather nice house, actually. We hid behind some bushes and watched the trenchcoated alien step towards it.
"Hey," Ears prodded me in the shoulder. Hard! It was unpleasant. "I said I think we've been here before."
Which is the point in which I realized we were at the Brigadier's home. Ears is younger than I am, he's been there more recently---a point I did mention to him---so I didn't recognize it right away.
"Have we? Oh! We have! Look at those trees. Grown a bit since we've last been here. The real question is what is that creature doing here?" I watched as the creature slipped inside the house. "Can't have smelled out the Brigadier, could he?"
Ears started sniffing the air. Which actually looked quite funny, if you saw it. All sniffing and such. I wonder if I look that strange when I'm analyzing the air. Can I smell the air and you tell me if it looks strange? What? Oh, right.
Anyway, so he smells the air. "Nooo. He's not here. Maybe something he's keeping around the house? Some sort of alien tech that'd fetch a nice..."
He pauses and looks at the alien questioningly. "I wonder if it's Jack."
Which is a stupid idea, really. Jack…well he's not that tall, is he? And wear a trenchcoat during Otherstide? That's worse than white and labor day.
"Doesn't look like Jack," I say. "Slimmer shoulders. And he's living in Cardiff, now. Wouldn't be living there if he knew his previously-con-man-self visited this area. Too close a range, he wouldn't risk the paradox."
"What about con-man Jack?" Ears asks.
I rolled my eyes. "I said he wouldn't be---"
"What about the Blitz?"
"What about Rose's t-shirt??"
This is where I had to restrain myself from smacking Ears up the side of the head. "Yes, I know. I'm older than you, but I'm far from senile. He wouldn't risk living in Cardiff if he knew his younger and more irresponsible self was here. He's not...you know. Like us. Grown up a good bit these last few years."
Ears's jaw dropped. "We're in Cardiff?"
Clearly one of us was confused and it wasn't me.
I did, however, do that whole thing where you put your face in your palm to show how frustrated you are. "Plan," I say. "We need a plan to---"
"Sod it!" Ears hops up and starts stalking---never walking, always stalking---towards the house.
"Wait!" Uuuuuugh. Younger selves are always so brazen. I'm almost willing to believe that he's a bit suicidal, too. Time War and all that. Can't take what's happened and all that. So I'm calling to him, trying to make a plan as I move from cover to cover while he just runs towards the house! Like he's got a death wish! Brazen idiot, he is.
"The Brigadier isn't in there and neither is Doris, but their car is in the driveway, what could that mean?" Might I add it is not easy to hold a conversation while you're trying to call over leaves?
"Public transportation," he calls back. Surly, you see? Surly!
So, we get to the window and we can finally see the monster. Purple skin, ginger hair…probably something from the Xuesonian galaxies, actually. Clashing colors don't matter to them because they're colorblind.
"Clashes," Ears says.
"You see," I mutter. "Alien fashion sense."
Ears didn't find this funny. You know, I’m not certain he finds anything funny. So, the alien searches a few shelves and goes into the basement. While Ears is distracted by the fate of the Earth or whatever, I hop inside and follow.
"WHO IS THE BRAZEN IDIOT NOW?" He shouts. I'm pretty certain he was trying to bring the monster down on us.
"Shush!" I hissed. I was fairly furious at him by this point. "And quit calling me an idiot!" I would never stoop so low as to call my other self a name. I just refer to him as "Ears" because it's easier to distinguish between us this way!
This is the point where he threw some sort of a fit. Flailing and all that. I thought maybe he'd gotten hit by a death ray and I worried about myself for a moment before I realized he's just completely mad.
Basement was rather typical. Lots of junk piled up everywhere. Gardening books. Lots of gardening books. But, there was a very large safe in the back of the basement with a touchpad on it. And, of course, no sign of the monster. 'Course, he could've been hiding behind anything in that place.
So we start to head down the stairs and Ears pushes me rather roughly---violent bloke he is!---saying I called him 'Big Ears' and it wasn't whatever anyway I would never and he's out of his mind. So he gives me a shove and I hit a trip wire. If I had shoved him, he would've fallen into a trip wire.
Now, I'm not sure what the Brigadier had in that house, but whatever it was it was very dangerous, because the whole place was set to self destruct in one minute following that trip wire. And, naturally, the monster reappears and growls at us.
I tell Ears to go work on the self-destruct. While I'm naturally more brilliant than him, he's suicidal and all that so he can work on the self-destruct while I fight the real enemy. And, really, in the end he is me so he's pretty brilliant all on his own.
I grabbed a hoe and attempted to ward him off while Ears worked on the self-destruct. He must've been finding his inner Zen or something, because I've never seen anyone work slower on a self-destruct than when Ears had his screwdriver up to that machine.
"Would you hurry up?" I barked. I was being a bit rude but only a bit. I thought about what the creature had come for. Not the items, no, but the heat core in the self-destruct, which meant it hated cold! Yes!
I grabbed the fire extinguisher and zapped the creature! It howled and ran. Unfortunately, not quickly enough for me to have time to help my confused cohort. Confused cohort. I like that! Do you think I----uh, okay. Yes, getting back on subject, now.
"We have to run," Ears said, standing up and abandoning the work, despite how much time he had left! I don't remember exactly how much but I'm sure it was a lot!
"Why?" I asked. I tried to go towards the machine, but he grabbed my arm. "We can fix it!" I insisted.
"There isn't any time!" Which is the point where I realized it was at 3, 2…
Maybe hanging around with my other self has made me a bit brazen. All the same, we ran from the house, falling on the lawn just as the whole thing went up.
No, wait. More dramatic than that.
Still not enough.
That's about right.
I saw the monster dashing down the street. I called back to Ears, letting him know I was getting us transport. Now, seeing as the Brigadier's car was right there and it was so very conveniently open---well, after a wave with the sonic screwdriver it was open---I decided we could borrow his car.
Ears must've been having a fit again, because by the time he showed up, I already had the car hotwired and ready to go.
"Right-o! Allons-y, Self!" See, I would never call him 'Ears' to his face.
Ears was in a daze. "What? What was that? French?"
"Don't you have a universal translator? What are you, our sixth self? Stop being silly and come on!" Time was running out, and the monster was getting further and further away!
"Come on where? You can't drive!" You see? No faith in me!
"What? Of course I can drive! Took a course with this bloke...what was his name? Chris something or other....anyway, took a refresher course. And I'm you, do you think I'd start driving if I didn't know how? Come on!"
Ears crossed his arms over his chest and glared. He does this glare thing! It's terrible. It looks like this. You see? Unpleasant! "You are not driving."
As I would never do something so low as flailing, I gestured emphatically at the road. "Do you not see him running away? Right over there??? We have to go catch him, and unless you're a good deal faster runner than I remember you being, we have to drive!"
"You'll get us both killed! And then I'll become you and I don't want to become you because I hate you!"
It was the heat of the moment. Really, he loves me.
"We have to go!" I cried.
I gaped. "Do you even remember how?"
Seeing as the monster was getting away and one of us had to be the grownup, I decided to let him drive. And, really, he's not that terrible. Just not nearly as good at it as I am. Not his fault.
"Young people, really." I grumbled. I'm 903 years old, I'm allowed to say things like that.
"I can hear you."
"Yeah, with those ears. Drive."
We drive a bit, and I realized where we were and politely asked Ears to turn the corner so we could get ahead of the monster. He then insists that he was just in Cardiff, he knows the roads and how to drive them.
Now, you may not know this, but in Cardiff in 2344, they drove the American way. I simply explained to my other self that the American way is not always the best way, but he got all snappy with me!
A car very nearly hit us because Ears couldn't stay on the left side of the road. Now, I'm not going to say I "flipped out" as I'm quite sure he's going to say, I'm just going to say I was displeased by the situation.
"Would you please watch out?" I rubbed the back of my neck and thought about what we were going to do. "He's getting away, we're never going to catch up with him. What's he got? Super-speed of some sort? Can't find that sort of thing this side of the galaxy..."
Cue Ears turning to look at me and not even paying attention to the road. "Fantastic, isn't it?"
This is the point where I may have flailed just a little tiny bit. "Watch it!"
"Stop distracting me!" he shouted back, not looking back at the road.
"I'm not distracting you! Look at the road! Look at the building!" And cue a little more flailing. "Building!"
And that's when we crashed into the pub that you UNIT lot were having the Brigadier's retirement party at. I wasn't buckled in and flew a good distance into the pub. And…well. That's when the Brigadier saw…you know. The car and the smoke coming from his neck of the city.
And…well, now here we are.
So, you see, Yates? Not my fault.
Even if you don't believe me, you can always ask my other self. I'm sure he'll tell you the exact same thing.
Muse: The Doctor (Ten)
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 2,385
Special thanks to ninewho for providing the other half of this story!