- Anne Frank
Rule One: If you pull up to the TARDIS and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're not picking anything up. It's a TARDIS, not a delivery system.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter, I will remove them. I actually keep physical limbs in jars. Look at this hand. This is my hand. If I do this to myself, think about what I can do to you.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, over the course of my lifetimes I've made some terrible sartorial choices, so I'll allow you yours. But just to make sure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will simply fuse the seams of your trousers to your midsection. That's setting 3445C on this little device I have.
Rule Four: She's an alien. Do you know how aliens have sex? No, you don't. Let me just assure you, it involves tentacles and you will not like it. No, you can't ask her about it and you really don't want to find out.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at the TARDIS, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." I'm a Time Lord. Early is not a relative thing, early is early and you had better not be late.
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with Jenny, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. You don't want to make her cry, do you? Because if I think she's been crying, I'll know who made her cry.
Rule Seven: No, you can't ride in the TARDIS. No, you can't look in the TARDIS. The TARDIS looks like a police box but that does not mean that you can use the phone. That also means calling in to talk to my daughter. I use it to call out to talk to Torchwood. They are very scary and when I tell them to blow things up, they do! It's very nifty, in fact. That's your car over there, right? I can show you.
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. (You know, for you. Jenny can have a comfortable chair, but you can't share it with her.) Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Also, no danger. Danger is for family time with her father and Donna, not her dates.
Muse: The Doctor (Ten)
Fandom: Doctor Who
Word Count: 596
Based on and containing words from a very old meme.